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D.Muthukrishnan (Muthu), Certified Financial Planner- Personal Financial Advisor

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5 stock broker jokes I like

Posted by Muthu on December 15, 2013

I’ve stored some stock broker jokes whenever I stumbled upon them in web. I  thought of sharing five of them with you.

1) A successful stockbroker parked his brand-new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver’s side.

The stockbroker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the stockbroker started screaming hysterically. His Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined.

When the stockbroker finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can not believe how materialistic you stock brokers are,” the cop said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the stockbroker.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the stockbroker. “My Rolex!”

 

2) A man calls his broker, who tells him that he’s got a hot new stock pick.

“Buy it, buy it,” the man says.

The next day he calls the broker for an update – the stock is up 5%

“Buy it, but it,” the man says.

The next day he calls the broker again, and the stock is up another 5%.

“Buy some more, buy some more,” the man says.

He calls the broker again the next day, who tells him the stock is up 10%.

“Sell it, sell it,” the man says.

The broker says: “To whom?”

 

3) A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a stockbroker– he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?

How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed.”

 

4) A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.

The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, “Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog”.

The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.

The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, “Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot”.

 

5) Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.

“I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!”

“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”

“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!”

“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”

“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!”

“That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”

Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”

One Response to “5 stock broker jokes I like”

  1. Stan said

    Very funny

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